weewoo

I dream you are alive
almost every night.
Six years ago today...you were only two
and mom and I
huddled in the den
and told Gramp...
he had better not leave for church
Grammy wanted to leave today
to meet the holy angels
she always thought she saw.

That den
I wrote my first long poem
in that room
on Easter day I
had finished gathering
so many eggs

you
stayed there sometimes.
In that room, you watched movies
the same ones over
and over
and always sang along like
it was the first time you
saw that light
heard that noise.

Last night when I played with you
in my sleep, I knew you were dead.
but also You were real
and made the sweetest sounds
and wanted to be right by me.

But during the night of January 25th
I cannot sleep
without walking the line between birth and
death
and
always waking to listen for breathing
to
run down the hall to the den
and put my head near grammy's face to
let her know I am still there and
see if she is.

When we played last night, you sat on my chest.
I tried to make the inoutinout of my breathing
become yours but
I knew.

I want to tell you
that your friend is okay.
That he sings and has
sort of made friends with me.
We watch videos of you
being smart and beautiful and he
sings along with you.

I want to tell you
that you are my best friend.
That you never minded when I made
you get back in the car--
back out of the car-
back in the car again
and you always woke up and laughed
at the sound the coins made
when I tossed them into the cylinder at the toll booth.

I want to tell you that
I am sorry for the time I
fell asleep in Ludington
when we were in the middle of a game
and
I was never really mad
that you bit me to wake me up.

I want to tell you that
when I think of the primary colors,
I get confused between the real ones and
your five.
Because sometimes all I can see
is that you were
in my room with me
in Ypsilanti
in Brighton
in Ann Arbor
in Ludington
in Maryland
in the room through
every argument I have had
with anyone who mattered enough to argue over something
in my room with me
every time I didn't want to talk
in my car with me
every time I ran away
I was always running from something
but never ever from you

You would lay on your back in my hand
full of trust and laugh always
and I just want you to know
I have not let go.